What a mountain you are climbing...

Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic, and reminiscing about the very first time I put an oly bar on my back. My sister had challenged me to a lifting contest (which she later bailed on...) and one of the rules was you had to use the oly bar. The power rack was in use...so I asked JC to put one of the bars off a bench onto my back so I could see what it felt like. 

I shared this memory with JC just one day after doing an almost parallel, 240 lb squat. His response was "what a mountain you are climbing". He's right. And the "view" gets more breathtaking the higher I climb. This journey to health IS a mountain I'm climbing. It's steep, and challenging. I have no clue what I will find when I reach the summit.  It would have been so easy to quit climbing, so many times.  When my dad died AND I started a new job in the same week, I could have quit. When JC left...when Buff quit. When I ended up with horrible elbow tendinitis 2 months after I started working with Superman. But I didn't. Somehow, I know the view from the top is going to be amazing...and I REALLY want to see it.

As I am "climbing", the view is getting better. It's the little things. Having an off day and having someone walk up to me and tell me that seeing ME push through a workout has inspired them to keep pushing. Realizing that I look 40 lbs lighter than I really am. Throwing around 50lb bags of chicken feed and remembering when I could barely lift them. Realizing that it has been months since I used my asthma inhaler...the one I used to have to use before every workout. That I've gotten through a winter without a major respiratory illness.  And then there is the gym stuff-- hitting PRs on the weights, being quirky and having to do my stuff on the unstable side of the BOSU  (for some reason I fall if I stand on the round side), actually accomplishing tasks that make me wonder if Superman has lost his mind (I love him, but the man enjoys trying to break me).

If you're going to climb a mountain, you need safety equipment. JC and Superman are mine. I don't see JC often, but he's just a text away if I need a little wisdom, or encouragement. I would have never had the courage to become a Trainer if it he hadn't suggested it. Other people had, but not people who had seen me in action in the gym. Superman is my safety in the gym, literally.  When I'm going for a squat PR, there is the potential for me to get "stuck in the hole". I need to have 100% confidence in my spotter, and I do. The other day when I did my 240lb squat, I got stuck in the hole. Twice. Each time, Superman waited for my cue, then gently stood me up and helped me rack the bar. The 3rd time, he gave me a verbal cue when I hit the right depth, then verbal encouragement until the bar was racked.

Fat goggles

Have you ever heard the phrase "beer goggles "? You know, where you've had enough beer that people look attractive who normally would not be attractive to you? I've come to realize that I wear "fat goggles" I've been fat/obese for over half my life. If I don't consciously take them off, I have "fat goggles" . I automatically think of myself as fat.

This morning I was training with Superman. He had me weaving a kettle bell around my legs in a figure eight pattern.  When I first attempted it, I was trying to hold the kettle bell at knee height, and I kept banging into my thighs. Without even thinking, I said "short arms, fat legs". Superman gently corrected me by telling me "no, those are muscular legs". He's totally correct, there really isn't a lot of fat left on them. But I was looking at them through my "fat goggles", and when I'm wearing them, big equals fat.

Later, I sent him a message thanking him for reminding me that my legs are muscular and not fat. That I am slowly starting to see myself the way everyone else does.  He replied with a sweet message telling me that he can see the definition through my clothes, and that big and fat has definitely morphed into big, firm and strong ❤.

Uh oh...

Today Superman accidentally found out that CC was the creep who was inappropriate with me at the gym. The one I should have reported and didn't.

I regularly hand my phone to Superman to read a text that might interest him. Just the other day I had been texting with JC about several situations, and it led to CC. In the texts I said something about CC thinking I was FWB with JC (and now Superman)  and  being a creep who had been disrespectful to me. As Superman was reading, I saw a dark look go over his face, and I knew he'd seen something. I asked him about it and he kind of played dumb, so I dropped it.

Then I messaged him and told him if he had seen something, it was ok. The reason I had been hiding the info was that I knew how protective he is of his "girls". He admitted that he saw a name, and figured it out. He's pissed that CC was inappropriate like that with a lady. Hopefully he's just going to drop it.

A year with Superman...

Yep, that's right. In just a few short weeks, it will be a full year that I have worked with Superman. It has been amazing, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon.

When I first started working with Superman, he was shy and hesitant, and I had no clue what kind of strength I really had. In the last year, both of us have become so much more confident. Superman is so much more relaxed than he was in the very beginning (at least with me). It is not unusual for someone to see him touching my back or sides, or spotting me on a heavy squat ( which kinda looks like a bear hug from behind). Our sessions are full of laughs and private jokes-- earlier this week he was seconds away from getting on the treadmill behind me while I was warming up. I caught him just as he was about to swing his second leg onto the side rail of the treadmill. Recently I commented that I felt like I needed to put a little swing into my upright row to be able to get the db or kb up over my "pecs". In the last few weeks he has referenced that several times, the other day he chuckled and said "girl problems" LOL. Yesterday we were chatting about shopping and I mentioned that I was proud of the fact that the size of my new swimsuit didn't bother me. Since I wear a medium in workout pants, one would think that I would wear the same size in bikini bottoms. I had tried on both a medium and a large, and went with the large ( and an extra large top). My dear, sweet Superman looked at me and said "there is nothing wrong with havin' a booty". A year ago there is NO WAY that he would have acknowledged that I have boobs or a booty, let alone made a comment about them.

In the last year I have changed so much too. Not only have I made amazing progress in my lifts, and become certified as a personal trainer, but I feel like my mind has changed too. I'm more comfortable in my own skin, stretch marks, flubber and all. For the most part, I can take compliments better than I used to. Compliments used to make me uncomfortable because I couldn't see what other people apparently saw. I still don't really see it, but I respect that they see it, and wanted to tell me they saw it.

Superman and JC love me, and its obvious that they love me. I love them too. Hubby is my #1 man, and they are #2. The whole relationship just makes me feel warm and fuzzy :)

Supergirl got inked!

As the title suggests, I got a tattoo last week!! My dad and my father in law both had bladder cancer. Around the time Paul died, I got the idea to get a tatt of the awareness ribbon. I wish he could have seen it, but it took me 3 months to convince hubby to let me get it. The tattoo is about palm sized, on my chest (basically where you put your hand "on your heart). The ribbon top is heart shaped, and dad and Paul's names are on the ribbon.

I didn't think I'd be a big fan of tattoos... But I kinda want a few more. I want footprints and the line "...it was then that I carried you", but I'm still deciding on a location. I also want a pink and black Superman logo. Which brings me to the next part of the story...

Earlier this week, I asked a friend to help me film a front squat technique. We went over to the squat rack, and there were 3 big guys finishing up. One of the guys knows what I can do, his name is Julian. So Julian was teasing me, and asking did I want to work in for a set...did I want them to add more weight (knowing I'd say no). The other guys thought he was just joking...next thing I know, I'm in the squat rack, no weight belt, squatting what the last guy squatted. I thought I might have bitten off more than I could chew...I was standing there mid squat thinking oh crap. I can't fail this. I gotta do this, I just told them it was no big deal. But I did it! When I was done, one guy says "I'd say I feel like a little girl (weak)...but look what a little girl just did!!!" He called me a "little girl", but I wasn't even mad. I realized later that I had just squatted my  current one rep max!!

Seeing the genuine shock and admiration on these guys faces, it changed me. I really DO feel like I'm exceptionally strong. I'm not the strongest woman out there, but I am definitely stronger than the norm, and that is something to be very proud of.

My cocoon

I've been saying for a while that I feel like I'm going through a metamorphosis. The last 3 years has been one hell of a journey! But it isn't over yet.

As my body has changed, and I've gained confidence from my time in the gym, I've become more interested in the girly stuff that I couldn't be bothered with before.  A few months ago someone introduced me to Jamberry nail wraps, and I'm hooked. Nail polish has never held up well for me, it chips within minutes...but Jamberry nails last about a week. Now I feel weird if i have naked nails. All my gym gear (lifting belt, kick boxing gloves, lifting straps, etc) is a bright pink. I laugh and tell people its so if I drop something, Superman knows it is mine and can return it to me.

I am looking forward to warmer weather, and being able to shop for clothes. Even though I'm 40 now, I could pass for late 20s, so I'm going to take full advantage. Superman says I have really nice legs, so this is going to be the summer I wear all the cute stuff without worry.

I feel like the love and support from Superman and JC is definitely helping my transformation. I'm so unsure about how the world is going to react to the new me as I emerge from my cocoon, and those two could not be more supportive.

Test Day!!

So a week ago I went and got CPR/AED certified. I needed it to sit for my NASM Personal Trainer exam today.

For the last week I have been freaking out  about how much material needed to be  memorized for the exam. Assessments, formulas, exercises, muscles, biology, psychology. JC and Superman kept assuring me that I would pass the exam, with ease. My inner fat girl disagreed.

Friday Superman must have been able to see my apprehension written all over my face. My fear of disappointing him. Even though I told him I'd be OK if I didn't pass, that I'd retest, he looked at me and said "  I'm not going to love you any less if that happens". How did he get to be so stinkin smart at his age?

Friday night JC texted me messages of love and support.

So this morning I woke up early, dressed in my Superman shirt (for luck) , and left the house for the 45 minute drive to the testing center. On the way I saw a billboard for a popular manufacturer of weight equipment, and decided it was a positive omen. I got to the testing center and signed in. They assigned me a computer cubicle and after a quick prayer, I got started. The questions weren't all super hard, but they weren't easy either. I finished going through the questions the first time in 45 minutes, and went back to think more on a few  harder ones that I had marked. I finished in about an hour.

After i finished, I went to the lobby to tell the proctor I was done. She signed into the computer to grade my test....and it crashed!! My heart started racing as she signed back in. She said "congratulations, you passed" and I teared up.

After I stopped crying, I went out to my car to call JC then Superman. Both of them congratulated me and told me repeatedly how proud they are of me.