Promises kept

When I got my certification, I wanted to work at "my" gym. I've had my application in for about a year, maybe more. About 7 months ago I was interviewed for an attendant position, but the job went to someone with "more fitness experience ". I recently found out that this was not entirely true.

Several months ago, in conversations with JC and Superman, I set a deadline.  If I was not on staff at "my" gym in any capacity by June 1st, I would start applying at other gyms the next day. Last week, out of frustration with my current job, I filled out some applications on my day off. Much to my surprise, within 48 hours both places had contacted me! Tomorrow morning  I interview at one of them (LA). I have mixed feelings about this interview--the position is in Hilliard, which is a 40 minute drive. But both JC and Superman had or currently have similar commutes. I've been playing phone tag since Thursday  with the owner of the other gym (metro). Metro is 5 minutes from my house, so would be a more ideal commute.

Either way, I'm excited and scared. I'm finally going to get a chance to prove to myself that I can do this! But all my insecurities are coming to the surface too. Will people take me seriously?  Can I write a program that my client will enjoy and see results from?

Supergirl. ..for LIFE!!

After I got my first tattoo, I got the idea to get a supergirl tattoo.  Kind of as a reminder of all the obstacles I have overcome. From health and weight, to special needs kids, to an epileptic husband. 

I was looking on pinterest, and I found a really sweet poster. It was a pink and black supergirl logo with roses and ribbons.  That was what I wanted!! Very feminine. Then I got the idea to add a symbol of my physical strength--a barbell, kettle bell,  weight belt, etc. When I'd saved enough money, I went to the tattoo shop and gave the artist my idea. What he came up with was awesome-- two big roses behind the top of the supergirl logo, and behind the bottom is a loaded barbell.  It's bigger than I had originally planned (it takes up most of the top of my right thigh), but it looks really good.

Good days, bad days

This morning I threw on leggings and an oversized tshirt and ran to the grocery store.  As I was walking up to the automatic door, I caught my reflection in the glass. I saw my legs first, and was quite pleased with the way they looked. The tshirt skimmed over the worst part of my belly, without looking too big. I looked normal size. It's times like these where I really feel like I am seeing myself the way the rest of the world does, and it feels so good.

It's the other times I hate. The times where my eyes are drawn to my belly. When I see the outline of my belly button through my shirt, or it seems like my love handles are the same size they were several years ago. When the front of my pants roll down because of my belly.Those times make me feel like Poppin' Fresh (the pillsbury dough boy) or the Michelin Tire Man.

For the most part, I try to focus on the positive stuff. Superman was so right when he told me my legs are muscular and firm. In a relaxed position, I can see the shape of my quadriceps, even though my legs are far from "defined". They have a little padding on the inner thigh, but it's been a few years since I've had pants ruined by "chub rub". When I'm doing rows or lateral raises, I can see a little muscle below my collar bone flex with every rep. When I flex in the mirror, I can see the start of definition on my back, in between my shoulders. Although the number on the scale is still high, I'm 2 sizes smaller than 2 friends who weight 5-10 lbs less than I do.

No matter how big I feel, I am strong. I can squat and deadlift more than bodyweight. I can run the rack with all kinds of dumbbell exercises. Women at the gym are motivated and inspired by seeing what I'm accomplishing. At work, I lift and carry cases of fries, boxes of lettuce, and buckets of ice with ease.

What a mountain you are climbing...

Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic, and reminiscing about the very first time I put an oly bar on my back. My sister had challenged me to a lifting contest (which she later bailed on...) and one of the rules was you had to use the oly bar. The power rack was in use...so I asked JC to put one of the bars off a bench onto my back so I could see what it felt like. 

I shared this memory with JC just one day after doing an almost parallel, 240 lb squat. His response was "what a mountain you are climbing". He's right. And the "view" gets more breathtaking the higher I climb. This journey to health IS a mountain I'm climbing. It's steep, and challenging. I have no clue what I will find when I reach the summit.  It would have been so easy to quit climbing, so many times.  When my dad died AND I started a new job in the same week, I could have quit. When JC left...when Buff quit. When I ended up with horrible elbow tendinitis 2 months after I started working with Superman. But I didn't. Somehow, I know the view from the top is going to be amazing...and I REALLY want to see it.

As I am "climbing", the view is getting better. It's the little things. Having an off day and having someone walk up to me and tell me that seeing ME push through a workout has inspired them to keep pushing. Realizing that I look 40 lbs lighter than I really am. Throwing around 50lb bags of chicken feed and remembering when I could barely lift them. Realizing that it has been months since I used my asthma inhaler...the one I used to have to use before every workout. That I've gotten through a winter without a major respiratory illness.  And then there is the gym stuff-- hitting PRs on the weights, being quirky and having to do my stuff on the unstable side of the BOSU  (for some reason I fall if I stand on the round side), actually accomplishing tasks that make me wonder if Superman has lost his mind (I love him, but the man enjoys trying to break me).

If you're going to climb a mountain, you need safety equipment. JC and Superman are mine. I don't see JC often, but he's just a text away if I need a little wisdom, or encouragement. I would have never had the courage to become a Trainer if it he hadn't suggested it. Other people had, but not people who had seen me in action in the gym. Superman is my safety in the gym, literally.  When I'm going for a squat PR, there is the potential for me to get "stuck in the hole". I need to have 100% confidence in my spotter, and I do. The other day when I did my 240lb squat, I got stuck in the hole. Twice. Each time, Superman waited for my cue, then gently stood me up and helped me rack the bar. The 3rd time, he gave me a verbal cue when I hit the right depth, then verbal encouragement until the bar was racked.

Fat goggles

Have you ever heard the phrase "beer goggles "? You know, where you've had enough beer that people look attractive who normally would not be attractive to you? I've come to realize that I wear "fat goggles" I've been fat/obese for over half my life. If I don't consciously take them off, I have "fat goggles" . I automatically think of myself as fat.

This morning I was training with Superman. He had me weaving a kettle bell around my legs in a figure eight pattern.  When I first attempted it, I was trying to hold the kettle bell at knee height, and I kept banging into my thighs. Without even thinking, I said "short arms, fat legs". Superman gently corrected me by telling me "no, those are muscular legs". He's totally correct, there really isn't a lot of fat left on them. But I was looking at them through my "fat goggles", and when I'm wearing them, big equals fat.

Later, I sent him a message thanking him for reminding me that my legs are muscular and not fat. That I am slowly starting to see myself the way everyone else does.  He replied with a sweet message telling me that he can see the definition through my clothes, and that big and fat has definitely morphed into big, firm and strong ❤.

Uh oh...

Today Superman accidentally found out that CC was the creep who was inappropriate with me at the gym. The one I should have reported and didn't.

I regularly hand my phone to Superman to read a text that might interest him. Just the other day I had been texting with JC about several situations, and it led to CC. In the texts I said something about CC thinking I was FWB with JC (and now Superman)  and  being a creep who had been disrespectful to me. As Superman was reading, I saw a dark look go over his face, and I knew he'd seen something. I asked him about it and he kind of played dumb, so I dropped it.

Then I messaged him and told him if he had seen something, it was ok. The reason I had been hiding the info was that I knew how protective he is of his "girls". He admitted that he saw a name, and figured it out. He's pissed that CC was inappropriate like that with a lady. Hopefully he's just going to drop it.

A year with Superman...

Yep, that's right. In just a few short weeks, it will be a full year that I have worked with Superman. It has been amazing, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon.

When I first started working with Superman, he was shy and hesitant, and I had no clue what kind of strength I really had. In the last year, both of us have become so much more confident. Superman is so much more relaxed than he was in the very beginning (at least with me). It is not unusual for someone to see him touching my back or sides, or spotting me on a heavy squat ( which kinda looks like a bear hug from behind). Our sessions are full of laughs and private jokes-- earlier this week he was seconds away from getting on the treadmill behind me while I was warming up. I caught him just as he was about to swing his second leg onto the side rail of the treadmill. Recently I commented that I felt like I needed to put a little swing into my upright row to be able to get the db or kb up over my "pecs". In the last few weeks he has referenced that several times, the other day he chuckled and said "girl problems" LOL. Yesterday we were chatting about shopping and I mentioned that I was proud of the fact that the size of my new swimsuit didn't bother me. Since I wear a medium in workout pants, one would think that I would wear the same size in bikini bottoms. I had tried on both a medium and a large, and went with the large ( and an extra large top). My dear, sweet Superman looked at me and said "there is nothing wrong with havin' a booty". A year ago there is NO WAY that he would have acknowledged that I have boobs or a booty, let alone made a comment about them.

In the last year I have changed so much too. Not only have I made amazing progress in my lifts, and become certified as a personal trainer, but I feel like my mind has changed too. I'm more comfortable in my own skin, stretch marks, flubber and all. For the most part, I can take compliments better than I used to. Compliments used to make me uncomfortable because I couldn't see what other people apparently saw. I still don't really see it, but I respect that they see it, and wanted to tell me they saw it.

Superman and JC love me, and its obvious that they love me. I love them too. Hubby is my #1 man, and they are #2. The whole relationship just makes me feel warm and fuzzy :)