a personal record...

So about a week ago I told JC that I was hitting personal records on the leg press, and it didn't seem hard. In a  moment of weakness, I told him that in just 2 weeks I would leg press 398lbs. Then he said 4 words that never fail to light a fire under my ass--"good luck with that!" . Maybe he meant it in a nice way, but in a text, I *heard* him say it in a way that made me think that he didn't believe that I could do it.

So for the last week, I have been building up to doing that 398lb press. That means adding (6) 45lb plates, and (2) 5lb plates to the 118lb sleigh. On Friday I did the 45lb plates, and (2) 2.5lb plates, and truly meant to wait until THIS Friday to add the other 5lbs of weight. Yesterday I loaded up the sleigh, and without even thinking about it, I grabbed 5lb fractional plates. My friend Mandy gave me a look when I told her I what weight I was aiming for, so I offered to let her watch me. She snapped a picture of me at the top of one rep. This morning I was re-calculating things and realized that I had actually hit my goal! So now I have a new goal for Friday....403lbs!!

For probably 5 months now I have been struggling with my squats. I KNOW I can squat 150lbs, I've done it before, but it just hasn't been possible lately. The other day I had a lightbulb moment, and realized that my issue is my lack of core strength. So now core work is going to be added to my routine. I've been doing a little core about 2x a week...now I am going to be doing more core, more often. Since working towards my leg press goal was so much fun, my March goal is going to be to do 5 decline crunches.

transitions...and other stuff

Buff has been gone for almost 3 weeks now, and honestly, I'm shocked how smoothly things seem to be going. I don't think Shy has had any private clients so far, but I have been watching him with his "smart start" clients, and he is blossoming! It is like the promotion from attendent to trainer has changed something inside him, and I am just now seeing the real Shy.

I've told Shy that I want to start working with him next month, and asked him to start thinking about 1-2 mornings a week where we could work together at 9am.

For the last few months, there has been an issue at the gym with lifters leaving 45lb plates on the machine when they are done. Last week I personally saw a guy do it, and approached him. The look on his face when I walked up to him and informed him that he needed to strip his weights when he was done...priceless! I told JC about it, and he called me the gym "sheriff". That's fine by me!Yesterday I happened to be wearing my t-shirt from the December challenge, and the guy came in. His eyes got kinda big, and he kept looking at me throughout his workout...but he stripped his weights. Later I realized that he might possibly have mistaken the challenge shirt for a staff shirt. It made me smile. This morning I saw a guy use several machines, leave them loaded, and walk over to the cable machine...so I approached him. Turns out that he was doing a complicated circuit, but he was cool when I explained what had been going on, and why I approached him.

Last week I got an opportunity to assist Shy with his muscle conditioning class, and I really enjoyed it! A staff member's husband was in the class, and she warned Shy that his form "wasn't great"...that was an understatement!! His form was atrocious. I'm not sure I could replicate everything he had wrong with his squat. Since Shy had 6-8 people in class, and couldn't give this guy  personal attention, I stepped in and helped him on many exercises. Later Shy thanked me for stepping in, and I told him that if he ever needed me to help he should just ask.

The CC Situation...

The CC situation was a very uncomfortable one for me, and that doesn't happen often. It made me question ME. The way I interact with people every single day. CC was a co-worker of JC's, so he heard some of our conversations ( he even joined a few), and saw the way JC and I interacted. Not once did I feel uncomfortable around CC, until JC left. After that, the way CC acted towards me changed. Nothing that would cause any red flags. At some point we even became Facebook friends. I really didn't mind that he had become a little more attentive and chatty. He would jump on the elliptical or bike next to me and distract me from what I was doing, which I welcomed. Every once in a while he just gave off a really odd vibe that made me uncomfortable. One day his tone of voice changed, and he gave off a really creepy vibe, although all he said was "hey, how are you today?" That was the day the thought popped in my head that he might think that JC and I had a physically intimate relationship, but it was so ridiculous that I pushed the thought aside (why would JC even think of becoming intimate with a married, obese woman 12 years his senior?).

One day, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that CC had split the seam in his shorts. As I walked by, I said something about having his mom fix them. A few hours later, he popped up on facebook messenger and asked me why I was looking at his crotch!! Although I denied purposely looking at his crotch, the conversation quickly went downhill, with him asking about seeing me in ( and out) of my underwear, and even asking about specific sexual favors. When he was informed that no matter how much I joke and play, Hubby and I have been exclusive for 19 years, and other men only got hugs, he quickly ended the conversation and blocked me.

The whole situation made me question my very personality. Could I have said or done something to invite the behavior? Did he think I was flirting with him? Even if he did, he was fully aware that I was married, AND old enough to be his mother. Because I was so shaken by the incident, and needed to know how I was perceived, I emailed JC. He was able to quickly reassure me that he never got a flirty vibe off me...never felt that I was "leading him on", that I was just a friendly woman who he had great conversations with.

Not long after, CC got a second job, and dropped all but one of his weekday shifts. That was when SHy showed up. It was nice to be able to be ME, and not worry about what CC might think, say or do. A few months later, I found out that CC had been similarly inappropriate with another woman at the gym. The lady is an author in her early 40's, and she had given most of the fitness staff a copy of her latest book. CC facebook messaged her and made comments about wanting to reenact one of the sex scenes in the book with her!! That was when I lost all respect for CC.

deja vu...

Another man is leaving me, and this time I am OK with it.

10 months ago JC left me to go on vacation in another state, and ended up being gone for 4 months. He warned me that he was moving "at some point in the future", and I asked him to warn me, and maybe even introduce me to a new trainer before he left. That's not the way it ended up happening :(  JC wrote me a routine to hold me over, and told me he would be back in a week. Two weeks later I emailed him and he told me he had decided to stay at his vacation destination.

A guy named "Buff" covered for JC while he was gone, and eventually took his position. I'm not proud to say it, but I really did not like Buff the first few weeks he was at the gym. Looking back, I think I resented that he slipped so seamlessly into JC's place, and no one could ever "replace" JC...but Buff ended up doing a great job creating his own place in the gym family.

With a lot of reflection, I was able to see that JC leaving was a good thing. Switching trainers forced me to step out of my comfort zone both physically and emotionally. I HAD to tell Buff my fitness goals, and that meant telling him about DS1's rages, a secret that I keep fairly close. People just tend to look at you differently when you tell them things like that. Buff had a different training style, and exposed me to things that I never would have tried on my own --like different ways of going up flights of steps, or working with the heavy bag. The day a lady walked up to me and told me that Buff trains me "like a man" , but that it is working for me was a proud day. So was the day that some big muscled guy gawked at me as I stood on 2 BOSU balls doing battle ropes. Nothing makes you feel badass like someone obviously amazed at what you can do.

About 6 months ago or so there were some staffing changed at the gym. An attendant named CC dropped several shifts ( which made me happy...more on that later), and  a few new faces showed up. One of the new faces was "Shy", a quiet young bodybuilder. It took him several months to really come out of his shell and start interacting with members, but now I really do enjoy talking with him. A few months ago I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked him to spot my squat--a job I usually reserve for people I really trust--and he did a good job.

Two weeks ago Buff announced that he had put in his notice and he was leaving the gym. He has a baby due in a few months, and being a trainer just isn't bringing in enough money. I haven't really trained with Buff in a while, but was hoping to start back up in the next few months. Because of the lessons I learned when JC left, I am taking Buff's exit as a sign that my routine needs a change. Picking a new trainer was going to be a tough job. Did I really want to get used to someone new? Honestly, my thought was that Shy would be the natural choice for stepping into the position, and apparently management shared my opinion. I found out last week that Shy IS taking Buff's position. After speaking with Shy, I have decided he WILL be my new trainer, and we are both excited to work together.

Relieved!!

For the last few months I have been having issues with my right knee. At first it just felt unstable and "loose" while I was in the squat cage. Then I started feeling all kinds of popping, shifting and cracking all day long. Even just driving, moving my foot from gas to brake could cause the issue.

Having medical knowledge can be scary in this kind of situation. When the popping and shifting started, my mind went nuts. In my head, there was something WRONG with my knee--ACL, MCL, meniscus--that would require surgical repair. Hubby would have to be told, I'd have to take time off work...OMG! Hubby would never let me set foot in a gym again, and there went my future as a personal trainer.

Luckily for me, my trusted Chiropractor also does some sports med work. It had been 5 months since my last adjustment ( prompted by a comment Buff made), so last week I stopped in for an adjustment and to discuss my fears about my knee issues. The first thing he told me is that my right hip was a full INCH higher than the left!! Typically, my misalignment is the other way around, and doesn't cause such dramatic problems in any part of my body. After my adjustment, where not much needed fixed, he checked my knee. Luckily for me, there wasn't anything horribly wrong. By the time I left his office, 75% of the yucky noises were gone, and by the time I went to bed I was 95% click free. A few days later I was able to do a leg workout without any problems, although I did take it kind of easy.

With a new high comes a new low...

At 37 years old I hit my all time high weight of 228.4 pounds, almost 100lbs more than I should be carrying on my 5'2" frame. I was sick and depressed, and couldn't seem to lose a pound.

A new YMCA opened a few miles from my house, and I begged hubby to buy me a membership. Somehow I just knew I could do it if I had the right tools. And if he dropped $800 or so on the membership fee, I would never hear the end of it if I stopped going, or did not lose weight.

My first few weeks going to the Y are kind of a blur, but I do remember the trainer who worked weekday mornings, JC. He was smiley and friendly...everyone seemed to like him. Little did I know how much of an impact he would have on me, and how tight a bond we would form.

For a few weeks, walking on the treadmill at 2.5mph was all I could do. 30 minutes had me sweating buckets and trembling. Looking back I have to smile at the old me. She has NO idea how far she will come, or what is in store for her. After 2 weeks I added a few of the strength machines at a time until I had a pretty decent routine going. Because I wanted so badly to make things work this time, I was at the gym 3-4 times a week. This caught the eye of the gym staff--not only JC, but the fitness attendants too.

Now that I have been a regular at the gym for 2 years, I am considered a fixture. A few weeks ago I was not able to make it to the gym for almost a week and everybody noticed. I have felt for a while that I have a "gym family", and I definitely felt the love when I went back ( from both staff AND other gym members).

Why?

Why am I writing a blog? Over the last few years, with the help of some dear friends, I am going through a physical and mental metamorphosis.


I've always had the potential to be obese. I was a chubby baby, a chubby child. Really, most of my life I have been chubby. From like age 13-20 I was a normal weight.

Then I got pregnant, and despite all my efforts, I packed on 50lbs. Thus began my struggle of the last 18 years to NOT be fat. I joined weight watchers and curves, and GAINED 30lbs...turns out I was borderline diabetic. A quick 2 months on a low carb diet fixed that, but also got me pregnant for the third time!

During all my struggles with weight, I had a few demons I was battling. My oldest son has high functioning autism, and anger control issues, and I myself was diagnosed with clinical depression in the early 90s. For the most part I am OK without medication, but I do have the tendency to self medicate with my favorite drug, chocolate.

Over the next few posts, I'll give you the cliff notes of my journey so far.